You're So Much Cuter When You Don't Speak

Part One: The System

So, my adventure in Match world continues. In the past two weeks I have received 89 emails, 377 clicked that they are interested and 102 winks, but I can't seem to find that guy. lol. So, much like in the real world, I make it a point not to make the first move. So no winks or emails are sent from me. I do partake in the "interested" daily line up because it reminds me of the show singled out.  So, I am usually in the driver seat when it comes to choosing my "suitors".

Email reading for me is determined based on my primal urges. Yep, I judge your looks first. Sorry, it's true. You could probably write me the most clever, witty and romantic email I have ever received and unfortunately I didn't read it because I couldn't get past your first profile pic.

When you get that many emails, winks and interested gentleman clogging up your inbox you have to start a process of elimination. Terrifying duck-faced ginger. No bueno! There is no way I am going to read the email of a guy who makes more duck faces in his photos then a group of sorority girls at a frat party. Not saying I only look for uber attractive guys, in fact, the perfect looking guys scare me, but looks are just the first step in the lengthy process of writing back.

The second step is reading their qualifications. Ok, so it sounds like a job interview, but you wouldn't put yourself out there to meet an employer you dedicate your life to looking dowdy and give a resume with McDonald's as your only job reference. You make it and yourself look employable, or in this case dateable. So all of all of the following apply: The nice guy, the goofball, the rich guy, the sporty guy, the loveable guy.

So, I go down the list. Here for : Dating, Relationship, Friendship, whatever the other ones are. I usually skip the "daters". I mean, if i'm paying to be on here I don't want someone for dating..aka...casual sex. I can find that asshole in any bar. So, I typically look for people who are looking for something a little more meaningful. Not saying that sparks will fly and we will be toasting over walnuts during the holidays, but at least someone who has the right intentions.

Next, I go through his physical attributes. How tall. Sorry, small guys. Not my type, but I have a friend who likes your height a lot. Physically, not too big, but average, slender, muscular ect...Ok, this is where match kind of fails. We are too quick to judge based on looks, but don't you do that anyway? I mean at least until you actually have a conversation with someone. First impressions people.

I like to hit up the pictures for a bit. Is it too quintessential? Guy with sports, guy with family, guy with dog, guy with kids, guy doing something silly. Yes, that is the regular lineup. I just like to see one clear face shot, so I know what I'm dealing with.

Then I head to their work. Pretty much all flies here. A guy who has passion for his career is really all i'm looking for. Ok and the salary above 50,000. JK. Unless he does construction...is extremely hot or is a personal trainer or masseuse. It has to even out.

Kids. I usually like to see a "Definitely" marked, but I still will dabble with the "Someday" remark unless of course you are 39 and never been married and "Someday" want kids. Red Flag for commitment phobes. Really, your swimmers will need floaties by the time you decide what you want.

Exercise...ok every guy and girl writes 3-4 times a week or more. I wrote it as well and I have exercised 1 day this week. Close enough. Ok, I may even be lying about that just to give myself the credit of wanting to workout this week. Isn't baking cookies a workout? That dough was tough!

So, if he made it past the gauntlet, then comes the fun part. I will actually read and respond to your email. Well, if there isn't too many typos and spelling errors. I hate a guy with really poor spelling. Hello, I was an English major. I can't help myself. Slap that email into Microsoft word if you have to and use a spell check. (this does not apply to me in return, I can't put a comma on a page).

Part Two: Implementing the System

Now, this past Monday, a guy made it through my checklist, doesn't happen often. Although I made an exception for the Divorced status and his two kids "who occasionally live at home", I love kids, a divorce could be for any reason and plus he was, of course, pretty cute.

So, upon my response he quickly wrote back and we continued this banter for the majority of the day. Now, day one is information day. Tell me about you and please try to do it in a witty banter so I think you are smart and funny and keep my interests up.

All day we wrote back and forth until he got bored with accessing the app and asked if he could text. So, then a texting conversation began. Text ...text..text.. Wanna grab coffee....text...text...text. Ok, I do have a life and was mildly annoyed that I couldn't go twenty minutes all day without having to drop everything to text. Then around ten he asked if he could call. I said he could call a little later.

Ring Ring... I'm not sure what happened, but this conversation was probably one of the worst conversation of my entire existence. I'm not positive, but i'm pretty sure he was sooo drunk that he was slurring his words. I mean totally shitbombed. I would ask him a basic question and he would go silent and then slur a question right back at me totally ignoring mine. I felt like I was talking to a muppet with a styrafoam muffled mouth whose puppeteer took a downer and then drank whiskey while tripping on shrooms. This continued about five minutes until I just said I had to go and hung up astonished by what had just taken place.

So, at the end of the day, I spent hours emailing and texting all to get some crazy person on the other side of the phone. Needless to say, my Java will be made in the comfort of my own house for the rest of the week. In the end of it and despite my tedious match selection process, match.com failed me. But then again if I was at the bar and spent the night talking to some guy he would end up in the same sloppy way, but at least I would have seen it coming.  It's a lose lose situation. Until next time.

So, call me maybe? Not if I can help it.

So, back when your were about twenty, there was no way to hold back from the deadly drunk dial. Now, texting has made ignoring your whims even harder. It's not like the person might be sleeping and you would wake them, or their roommate, mother, father or wife or the latter, a text is just a little noise, a little beep or chime, a quick burst of acknowledgment, that can easily be slept through, not to mention a text feels anonymous because you don't actually have to speak to the person out loud. As you grow older, you try to have a little more self-control, especially someone like myself who constantly over thinks everything. So, I have devised some strategies as to avoid calling or texting someone even when your will is failing you.


METHOD 1

The first method can only be used for a short period of time, but if used correctly, you can come across the person who "doesn't care" and "has a life". The person who isn't going to call because "life is just that much better without you". Yeah, right. Now the first method only works if you have not memorized the callers number. So, for those coming out of long term relationships, sorry, you will have to try method two. Cell phones have made this even easier then back in the dialing days. You rarely need to type in a number, therefore, when would you have the opportunity to actually memorize the number? So, take the contact you wish to avoid and simply give it to a trusted friend.

Of course this method should be activated quickly,  most effectively a day to a few weeks after a break up when you are not ready to actually delete the number in its entirety because their is that chance, maybe, possibly, hopefully it could work out, so just give the number from your phone to a friend and delete the contact off your phone immediately. Then not only do you still have the number floating amongst your inner circle, but also you have to completely convince your friend why you need to call or text this person if your desire spikes. It can't just be because you are sad, because you're having a singles panic attack (i.e. when you realize you are single, so any guy, any guy on your phone starts looking like prince charming again), because you found a snotty tissue he once used and you wanted to call to see if he was feeling better three months after you broke up, no stupid, pathetic reasons. Again, this only works if you do not remember the number.

METHOD 2

Now, if you have mentally ingrained the number in your memory there is no use in deleting it. If you do delete it, you will remember it and use it, case closed. So, in method two you keep the number, but change the name. Now you don't change the name to something like "loser" or "asshole" because after a few years of dating you will never remember which guy is which because those generic nicknames will accumulate, so instead you make it a self-reflecting derogatory statement that begins with the first letter of their first name. So, let's say your ex's name is Tom (no I have never dated a Tom, so this is simply an example).

Tom's name could be changed to "Thumb sized jerk, why don't you just clip his toenails for him" or "Totally cheap mamas boy, why don't you invite her into bed too". So, basically you use things that really annoyed you about the person and remind yourself why you are being completely foolish in calling or texting that person. Plus, it always helps to laugh on their behalf when you look their name up.

Other Examples:

Jim- Jackass 3am caller who never once has been seen in daylight

Bob- Butt-face who only dates you between other girls

Carl- Claustrophobic, close-talker who you've dumped four times

Dean- Designated disaster-case who weeps like a little girl

Steve- Sorry excuse for a man, who slept with your ex-best friend

So, here are two methods to stop yourself from contacting that guy you just can't help yourself around. I would like to say this method doesn't have some failures. Like when you erase the number and give it to a friend, but somehow you managed to memorize it in the 30 seconds it took for them to enter it in their phone or that despite the derogatory connotation, you still wanted to expose yourself to another disappointing answer or complete diss. But then again this method has worked for myself and my friends in the past. So, try it and let me know if it works for you.