Dating Rules: To Pay or Not to Pay

To Pay or Not to Pay

When you first begin dating, I have no question in my mind that men should pick up the first check. Yes, the ritualistic check payment dance should happen, but men should always win the war and grab the tab.

Hey, look he sprung for the Large Fry! 

This is not because you want to take his money and leave him broke, but this is because you are a beautiful, smart woman and he should be ever so grateful to be in your presence. Oh, yeah and also it’s because there is still a significant difference in men’s and women’s salaries. So, I’m just saying, until there is salary equality, we should at least get one free meal. You’re Worth It.  Right?

Just saying….

Once, the first date is over it is time for you to re-assess the situation. My rule of thumb is to always make an offer, even if he pleasantly shoots you down. On your second date you should insist on at least paying for some portion of the date. Say your date buys the passes to the movie, you should offer to pick up the popcorn (although you may want to reconsider that because the actual movie tickets are less than the price of snacks and refreshments). But make an offer, sure, it doesn’t have to be the whole dinner bill, but at least try to pay the tip! He must be a pretty great date if you decided to go out with him again, so don’t be a complete princess, unless of course, he insists.

Better get the Big Bucket! 

Traditionally men are the providers and women are the caregivers but with more women in the workforce, some less traditional men think that all bills and tabs should be split equally.  Women, although you may beg to differ, because we have to spend quite a bit of money on hair products, makeup and clothing to impress their drooling butts and we don’t ask for any retribution.  Oh, and if you’re dating a guy whose hair products are expensive as yours ….run! This guy screams high maintenance. That also goes for his wardrobe, car and other “flashy” items. Whose attention is he trying to get anyway?

http://genyhub.com/metrosexuals-a-thing-of-the-past

So, say this guy is keeper, what happens once you settle into a cozy little love nest, how do you manage expenses? If you are dating a traditionalist, he will continue to pay for anything and everything, so you have to find clever ways to treat him like dinners, sweet notions and great gifts. If you are dating a man hell bent on equality, then divvy it up and if you start worrying about your dwindling bank account use apps like Groupon or Living Social to help cut the costs. And finally, if you find yourself with a guy who is using your wallet like his own personal debit card, cut off his bank account and go out and get wined and dined again, cause a girls gotta eat and she gotta eat well.

Don't be afraid to indulge yourself. 

In Love and Farting

In Love and Farting*

Farting is such sweet Sorrow, Can I Run till it is 'Morrow...

Ok, so we’ve all done it, that moment when it happens. A moment you wish you could die in a gas chamber, which would be so suiting to your complete and utter embarrassment.  It’s the first time a woman …gasp….farts…in front of her guy. 

Back in college, in fits of giggles, we referred to it as a “Poof” because it is much more lady-like then the word “fart”. Sound out the word fart slowly “fart” actually sounds like a fart. Poof sounds much more like the sound of fanny glitter and unicorns. Oh I Poofed! And completely disappeared in shame.

Whether you cute it up or not, that first terrible toot always happens at the most inopportune time. Say it’s when you are jumping up in his truck and as you crouch and lunge forward a little 4x4 fart jumps out. Or when you are just relaxing on the couch watching a movie, your stomach has been rumbling for hours, and you think you can hold it till the end of the movie, when the tiniest reach for popcorn turns into complete mortification. If only you hadn’t indulged in those last perfectly popped kernels!

Speaking of food, I don’t understand why women always think going out to dinner when you are first dating is a good idea.  Food, especially food from restaurants (ie added MSG), has a tendency to leave you in a precarious post-dinner situation.  This is especially true when you opt for dark leafy salads, the vegetable medley or any spinach product, which contain tons of fiber, which your grandpa takes to keep himself…ahem... regular.  You get the point, dinner should only be used for dates you want to cut short. “I’m sorry, I really had fun, however my gastrointestinal system has to be home by ten.” Or "It isn’t you…it’s my digestive tract."

So, when you let your little sparkly fart fairy escape, there are two immediate responses.  The first is letting a high-pitched nervous laugh go to seem laid back about it (you will never actually seem calm about it, but laughing is better then not laughing), or completely ignore it. This method is particularly good in the morning when your own fart actually wakes you up. If he didn’t notice you were awake at the moment your bum blurted out your musty morning whisper then keep those eyes shut for indeterminate amount of time. Also, don’t forget to rustle around in the bed a bit so the crunch in your comforter can take all the blame. Your reputation can’t be tarnished for something that happened in your "sleep" right? 

What not to do. If it is obvious that you farted, sorry “poofed”, the worst thing you can do is show that you are completely embarrassed by your snafu and hide in a closet,  a bathroom or cry and have a complete meltdown. Let him at least know you can laugh at yourself even in the most humiliating of situations.  My advice to you is Poof proud ladies. It may be embarrassing, but if he’s the one he won’t run! 

*Disclaimer: I have never farted in my entire life. This is blog is completely dedicated to women in peril looking for my advice. 

**If you have a funny girlfriend/boyfriend fart story please share it with us all in the comments below.

Men vs. Boys

Let's talk about boys vs men. Men will approach you and say in a very stern voice, hello, my name is “Your Next Boyfriend”, I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany, may I inquire if I can escort you about town. Ok, maybe, the Anchorman reference doesn't exactly work, but the point is you have a direct approach without any pussy-footin' around. Do not pass a note, phone a friend or use some kind of social media to make it happen, just ask and ask it like you mean it. Now, we know you are nervous and that you may botch it, but go outside first, beat your chest like an ape, pee in some patch of grass, get into a fight with the next guy who talks to you ,whatever it takes to get you confident. Because confidence is a turn on. Remember if you are over the age of 18 you ARE A MAN, we all know you are, so let's see it.

We know that 99% of you are not the suave, confident guy who can ask a girl out without batting an eyelash. It's nerve wracking, terrifying and rejection is the worst, but honestly that is the worst that could happen. Yes, it sucks but there are literally a billion other fish in the sea and they are being caught by fisherman, like yourself, everyday. So why not just go for it with all the gusto.

When a woman is into a guy, she immediately retreats into being a coy and giggly girly girl whether she likes it or not, laugh, touch your arm or twirl her hair (just part of our genetic makeup), whereas men you are genetically made up to be blunt and black-and-white in nature. So you just need to stand up tall, say I am man, you woman, we go now and pull you by the hair into a relationship. So, maybe don't go full on caveman, she may not exactly like the hair pulling, some might, but she may not, but the point is that women want a man, we are not (all) lesbians so quit trying to pick us up by using our own tricks. We know exactly what you are thinking when you do this. We want a little mystery.

Now truth be told, more women are starting to wear the pants when it comes to approaching a guy. I have actually went right up to a guy I didn't know, chatted him up for a few minutes and said “why haven't you asked for my number yet?, I've slipped guys my number on more than one occasion and so on and so forth, because I just couldn't stand waiting around one more minute to secure your number. This is a good thing and yes, I am into you. Obviously. This does not happen all the time, so please men take this as a phenomenon instead of a way out of asking.

Now, when in a relationship, a man can make a woman literally fall in love with you just by sitting there. We don't understand you at all. Nope, not never, you are mind blowingly different creatures. So, just the mystery of you being a man is reason enough. Playing games is immature and once a woman hits her late twenties it makes us run away. In your late twenties and thirties women just want to relax and feel like her man is there for her, supports her and respects her. We have done the games so many times before. True each game a guy plays makes us a little crazy, puts us on the edge of our seat, and at first that can lead to an extra heaping of emotions, but we also start realizing that stress and anxiety are taking over our ability to fall in love with you.

Understandably many men are not aware what they are even doing, but there are even more who get a kick out of driving women crazy because young or dumb girls fall for it. For example, Rihanna, she isn't in love with Chris Brown, she's in love with the drama and anxiety and is severely confusing those feelings for passion. Then again she's too young to realize the difference between lust and love. Stop it girls, anxiety is not love! Love is mutual respect and support.

Women you also have to do something which is quit falling to smithereens when you start dating a guy. Yes, he is soooo cute and soooo wonderful, but treat him as your equal and not your savior. You are smart, intelligent and have made it this far without him. Not to mention, you barely know this person. I know it's hard, but keep up your day job, have a life and for goodness sakes, if he's not treating you as well as you are him address it, chop it off and leave it behind...sorry, just wanted all the men who read this to cringe a little bit at that last line.

So yep...let me know if you agree, disagree. Don't worry I can take it like a man ; )

You're So Much Cuter When You Don't Speak

Part One: The System

So, my adventure in Match world continues. In the past two weeks I have received 89 emails, 377 clicked that they are interested and 102 winks, but I can't seem to find that guy. lol. So, much like in the real world, I make it a point not to make the first move. So no winks or emails are sent from me. I do partake in the "interested" daily line up because it reminds me of the show singled out.  So, I am usually in the driver seat when it comes to choosing my "suitors".

Email reading for me is determined based on my primal urges. Yep, I judge your looks first. Sorry, it's true. You could probably write me the most clever, witty and romantic email I have ever received and unfortunately I didn't read it because I couldn't get past your first profile pic.

When you get that many emails, winks and interested gentleman clogging up your inbox you have to start a process of elimination. Terrifying duck-faced ginger. No bueno! There is no way I am going to read the email of a guy who makes more duck faces in his photos then a group of sorority girls at a frat party. Not saying I only look for uber attractive guys, in fact, the perfect looking guys scare me, but looks are just the first step in the lengthy process of writing back.

The second step is reading their qualifications. Ok, so it sounds like a job interview, but you wouldn't put yourself out there to meet an employer you dedicate your life to looking dowdy and give a resume with McDonald's as your only job reference. You make it and yourself look employable, or in this case dateable. So all of all of the following apply: The nice guy, the goofball, the rich guy, the sporty guy, the loveable guy.

So, I go down the list. Here for : Dating, Relationship, Friendship, whatever the other ones are. I usually skip the "daters". I mean, if i'm paying to be on here I don't want someone for dating..aka...casual sex. I can find that asshole in any bar. So, I typically look for people who are looking for something a little more meaningful. Not saying that sparks will fly and we will be toasting over walnuts during the holidays, but at least someone who has the right intentions.

Next, I go through his physical attributes. How tall. Sorry, small guys. Not my type, but I have a friend who likes your height a lot. Physically, not too big, but average, slender, muscular ect...Ok, this is where match kind of fails. We are too quick to judge based on looks, but don't you do that anyway? I mean at least until you actually have a conversation with someone. First impressions people.

I like to hit up the pictures for a bit. Is it too quintessential? Guy with sports, guy with family, guy with dog, guy with kids, guy doing something silly. Yes, that is the regular lineup. I just like to see one clear face shot, so I know what I'm dealing with.

Then I head to their work. Pretty much all flies here. A guy who has passion for his career is really all i'm looking for. Ok and the salary above 50,000. JK. Unless he does construction...is extremely hot or is a personal trainer or masseuse. It has to even out.

Kids. I usually like to see a "Definitely" marked, but I still will dabble with the "Someday" remark unless of course you are 39 and never been married and "Someday" want kids. Red Flag for commitment phobes. Really, your swimmers will need floaties by the time you decide what you want.

Exercise...ok every guy and girl writes 3-4 times a week or more. I wrote it as well and I have exercised 1 day this week. Close enough. Ok, I may even be lying about that just to give myself the credit of wanting to workout this week. Isn't baking cookies a workout? That dough was tough!

So, if he made it past the gauntlet, then comes the fun part. I will actually read and respond to your email. Well, if there isn't too many typos and spelling errors. I hate a guy with really poor spelling. Hello, I was an English major. I can't help myself. Slap that email into Microsoft word if you have to and use a spell check. (this does not apply to me in return, I can't put a comma on a page).

Part Two: Implementing the System

Now, this past Monday, a guy made it through my checklist, doesn't happen often. Although I made an exception for the Divorced status and his two kids "who occasionally live at home", I love kids, a divorce could be for any reason and plus he was, of course, pretty cute.

So, upon my response he quickly wrote back and we continued this banter for the majority of the day. Now, day one is information day. Tell me about you and please try to do it in a witty banter so I think you are smart and funny and keep my interests up.

All day we wrote back and forth until he got bored with accessing the app and asked if he could text. So, then a texting conversation began. Text ...text..text.. Wanna grab coffee....text...text...text. Ok, I do have a life and was mildly annoyed that I couldn't go twenty minutes all day without having to drop everything to text. Then around ten he asked if he could call. I said he could call a little later.

Ring Ring... I'm not sure what happened, but this conversation was probably one of the worst conversation of my entire existence. I'm not positive, but i'm pretty sure he was sooo drunk that he was slurring his words. I mean totally shitbombed. I would ask him a basic question and he would go silent and then slur a question right back at me totally ignoring mine. I felt like I was talking to a muppet with a styrafoam muffled mouth whose puppeteer took a downer and then drank whiskey while tripping on shrooms. This continued about five minutes until I just said I had to go and hung up astonished by what had just taken place.

So, at the end of the day, I spent hours emailing and texting all to get some crazy person on the other side of the phone. Needless to say, my Java will be made in the comfort of my own house for the rest of the week. In the end of it and despite my tedious match selection process, match.com failed me. But then again if I was at the bar and spent the night talking to some guy he would end up in the same sloppy way, but at least I would have seen it coming.  It's a lose lose situation. Until next time.

So, call me maybe? Not if I can help it.

So, back when your were about twenty, there was no way to hold back from the deadly drunk dial. Now, texting has made ignoring your whims even harder. It's not like the person might be sleeping and you would wake them, or their roommate, mother, father or wife or the latter, a text is just a little noise, a little beep or chime, a quick burst of acknowledgment, that can easily be slept through, not to mention a text feels anonymous because you don't actually have to speak to the person out loud. As you grow older, you try to have a little more self-control, especially someone like myself who constantly over thinks everything. So, I have devised some strategies as to avoid calling or texting someone even when your will is failing you.


METHOD 1

The first method can only be used for a short period of time, but if used correctly, you can come across the person who "doesn't care" and "has a life". The person who isn't going to call because "life is just that much better without you". Yeah, right. Now the first method only works if you have not memorized the callers number. So, for those coming out of long term relationships, sorry, you will have to try method two. Cell phones have made this even easier then back in the dialing days. You rarely need to type in a number, therefore, when would you have the opportunity to actually memorize the number? So, take the contact you wish to avoid and simply give it to a trusted friend.

Of course this method should be activated quickly,  most effectively a day to a few weeks after a break up when you are not ready to actually delete the number in its entirety because their is that chance, maybe, possibly, hopefully it could work out, so just give the number from your phone to a friend and delete the contact off your phone immediately. Then not only do you still have the number floating amongst your inner circle, but also you have to completely convince your friend why you need to call or text this person if your desire spikes. It can't just be because you are sad, because you're having a singles panic attack (i.e. when you realize you are single, so any guy, any guy on your phone starts looking like prince charming again), because you found a snotty tissue he once used and you wanted to call to see if he was feeling better three months after you broke up, no stupid, pathetic reasons. Again, this only works if you do not remember the number.

METHOD 2

Now, if you have mentally ingrained the number in your memory there is no use in deleting it. If you do delete it, you will remember it and use it, case closed. So, in method two you keep the number, but change the name. Now you don't change the name to something like "loser" or "asshole" because after a few years of dating you will never remember which guy is which because those generic nicknames will accumulate, so instead you make it a self-reflecting derogatory statement that begins with the first letter of their first name. So, let's say your ex's name is Tom (no I have never dated a Tom, so this is simply an example).

Tom's name could be changed to "Thumb sized jerk, why don't you just clip his toenails for him" or "Totally cheap mamas boy, why don't you invite her into bed too". So, basically you use things that really annoyed you about the person and remind yourself why you are being completely foolish in calling or texting that person. Plus, it always helps to laugh on their behalf when you look their name up.

Other Examples:

Jim- Jackass 3am caller who never once has been seen in daylight

Bob- Butt-face who only dates you between other girls

Carl- Claustrophobic, close-talker who you've dumped four times

Dean- Designated disaster-case who weeps like a little girl

Steve- Sorry excuse for a man, who slept with your ex-best friend

So, here are two methods to stop yourself from contacting that guy you just can't help yourself around. I would like to say this method doesn't have some failures. Like when you erase the number and give it to a friend, but somehow you managed to memorize it in the 30 seconds it took for them to enter it in their phone or that despite the derogatory connotation, you still wanted to expose yourself to another disappointing answer or complete diss. But then again this method has worked for myself and my friends in the past. So, try it and let me know if it works for you.

The Reverse Termination

So, unfortunately it seems that the relationship with mystery match has dissipated. I also, saw this happening about a month before. When we first met he lived alone in a town about an hour away, so we commuted back and forth during the week. On the 4th of July, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I met his best friend from college. His best friend had just recently got out of a relationship with his girlfriend, whom he was trying to marry at the time, but to his dismay his relationship also dissipated. Problem #1. Best friend is now single and needs bro time. I have nothing against this friend and totally accepted the fact they needed to have time to go out without some chick around.

In August, mystery match also found a new apartment with his friend, a 25-year-old he went to college with who was also single. Problem #2: Roommates. Why in your late twenties would you want to have a roommate? The roommate was nice and did no wrong, but ya know when someone else lives in the house they are always around, no privacy.  So, it started to become me and mystery date and roommate. Including a triple tooth brush session and sharing a roast I cooked especially for my man. 

The new apartment also led to bro parties where I was the only girl. It seemed as if I was losing my man to his friends. Why would he want a girlfriend while in the midst of a college reunion? I was becoming a third wheel. So, this all led up to Labor day. On Wednesday, he said he would call on Thursday. Thursday led to Saturday. No call. Finally I wrote "What's the deal"? I should also tell you that a few weeks prior he also dropped the L-Bomb while half asleep. Really, too soon, so I just asked if he remembered it and if he had meant it, which he said yes and yes. 

So, the reply on labor day was "things just moved crazy fast, I like you, i'm just not sure blah blah blah. You want commitment This continued for two weeks of being told lets hang out to being blown off again to where I finally just said I need to make myself happy, i'm out of here.  Yes, it does feel somewhat better to do the reverse breakup, make it seem like I wanted that, when really i'm not exactly thrilled at being in the single dating pool again. Wait, what just happened? 

Now excuse me if i'm wrong, but I didn't ask you to be in a relationship and I certainly wasn't trying to throw out the L-Bomb anytime soon. So, wasn't it you who moved extremely fast. I was just trying to go with the flow. You made it complicated, but it's always us girls. Also, I have no need to run down an aisle or get impregnated with your man seed anytime soon. It's been three months. I'm not completely insane. 

So now i'm back to the single world, ugh, and I swear every guy that you hadn't seen while in a relationship crawls back out of the singles cave (some more appreciated than others). So, i'm not exactly ready to pop back on Match or even go on a date. Partially, because I hope Mr. Match will have some sort of realization that his friends don't exactly want to be single, it's just what it was or that of course he thinks i'm the most wonderful person he has ever met and he can't believe he ever let me go and that he must, must have me back! Not likely. 

Ugh, so I will try to make this into a positive change starting today. That I was meant to move on for something better and all that crap. One good thing is that the blog can now resume for your reading pleasure.