A Woman's Brain on a Diet

So, in your thirties it has become just that much harder to lose weight. Ok, it hasn't really, but you definitely don't care as much as when you were twenty. But now I've decided I wanted to lose 10lbs and I am on a diet.  I wanted to show you all how crazy a woman's mind gets on a diet. I also added some links, which back up my craziness. 

Ok, so don't eat fat, ok you can have healthy fat like nuts, legumes, avocado and olive oil, but olive oil can only be used at room temperature and not heated because then it becomes carcinogenic and no one like a cancer molecule!

Choosing Healthy Fats

Don't eat red meat. Is horse a red meat? Aldi's sold horse meat. Either way it's full of cholesterol. No ground meat. I need to eat turkey, chicken and pork, but not turkey, chicken or ham as a deli meat because they are processed and full of nitrites. Definitely no salami, pepperoni or bologna- salt/ salt/ who knows. Tuna is good, but only in small amounts for a woman of child bearing age.

The Truth About Lunch Meat

No soda, fried foods, sweets and absolutely no white sugar. No refined sugar. No agave sugar either because they just realized that is basically high-frutose corn syrup, thank goodness for brown sugar of course used sparingly.

The Truth About Agave

No white anything really, no mayo,no white bread, no white rice, no full-fat cream cheese, no ranch (ouch), blue cheese, no alfredo or any other white pasta sauce or clear sauce (butter), red sauce is fine, but again without meat and preferably made from scratch, so you reduce the added sugar which is in store bought sauce. Forget it: Just eat it plain.

The Danger of Refined Sugar

No sports drinks, fruit juice, lemonade or alcohol. Diet soda's can make me hungrier. Regular soda will make me fat. Blue Moon and other craft beers are around 400 calories a pop, which four equals my entire diet calorie limit for the day, no wine, it's sugar and calories, occasional red wine (one glass), note vodka is only 60 calories, straight bourbon, whiskey and tequila is ok too,  but avoid flavored vodkas which have added sugar.  No mojitos, margaritas or even moscow mules, all sugar. Forget it: Just drink water.

• 10 oz Margarita – 550 Calories (4 oz. tequila, 4 oz. margarita/sour mix, 2 oz. triple sec, lime juice, 1 
• McDonald’s Big Mac®- 540 Calories

Craft Beer Calories

Wine Calories

 Fruits are only to be eaten in the morning and alone, I forget why, but obviously I thought it was a pretty legitimate when I read the various articles. Something about the time of day and digesting a fruits natural sugars. 

The Major Rule for Eating Fruit

Reduce carbs! Yes, eat less of the following pretzels, bread, pastas, pitas, breadcrumbs, croutons, buns, popcorn, potatoes, no bagels, no english muffins or waffles, no bread rolls, crescent rolls ect… ect… ect… . Only multi-grain bakery baked bread, nothing pre-packaged because of preservatives.

Ten Reasons White Bread is Bad

Eat Mor Chicken! except make sure you don't cook it in olive oil or canola oil,  sugary marinades, breadcrumbs, white or butter sauces, take the skin off of it and just basically use chicken broth preferably organic, yeah, make sure the chicken is organic, antibiotic free, a virgin and has a southern accent. No wings! Fried Chicken! Nope even those that are "grilled" at the restaurant were pre-fried before the company ordered them.

Chicken Buyers Guide by WEbMD

Veggies, eat all in site, you should basically become a piece of lettuce. Organic only. 

The Ten Healthiest Vegetables

Eat pickles, but only the vinegar pickles as the bread and butter have added sugar. Only shop on the outside of the grocery store. Buy nothing in a box except multi-grain pasta and nothing frozen except vegetables. Don't even think of the low-fat frozen entrees with the ridiculous amounts of sodium. 

How Processed Foods Affect Your Health

Eat yogurt, even if you don't like it, Greek yogurt is high in protein, but can have a ton of sugar, check the label, no yogurt with granola or crunchies, granola is fattening and crunches, are processed something or other.  Oh and creamer, don't get the regular which is high in sugar and fat, don't get fat free because it has hidden sugar, sugar free is the way to go.

6 Myths about Greek Yogurt

Cereal: Only low sugar cereals, preferably one that tastes like cardboard because it is high in fiber and protein, which keeps you full and keeps you regular. Check sugar content always.  Granola bars check sugar, buy high-protein. 

How to Choose Healthy Cereals

Check the side of the box. If there are more then eight ingredients involved don't eat it. If sugar is in the first three ingredients don't eat it. If there are ingredients you can't pronounce it is probably processed, don't eat it. Basically go back to what i said before, don't eat anything in a  box. 

Soup: Don't buy the soup in a can or anything in a can, carcinogens. Buy the soup in the cardboard box, but check the sugar and sodium content

Campbells lied about BPA in Cans

Going out to eat, just don't!  No pizza either. Or Chinese. Sushi can be just as bad tons of salt, MSG's and just say no to tempura or sushi with a sauce. Opt for brown rice. 

So basically at the end…you are left wondering what the heck you should eat!

If you made it through this list. You are probably a woman and were interested in getting a diet brain of your very own. I don't follow all of these all the time and I am not a nutritionist and some of this is probably wrong, hearsay or will change according to webmd in a week, but this is literally how my brain processes eating and grocery shopping while on a diet. It's exhausting and mentally taxing, on top of you being well…hungry. Thank goodness for cheat days : ) 

What goes up must come down. Unless it’s a toilet Seat.

What goes up must come down. Unless it's a toilet seat.

We’ve all been there as a woman. You run in the door and straight into the bathroom because you gotta go, when splash, your derriere gets thrust into frigid cold water. That’s right… he left the toilet seat up again.

The premise is easy, lift and go and then return to the starting position. Now many men will argue that putting the seat down is as much a woman’s job as a mans, but seriously guys your stream is like two centimeters wide and the circumference of  a toilet seat is around 8 inches wide.  How is it our fault that you are too lazy to aim and must put the seat up to the expand the width to 12 inches across. I mean do we have to resort back to putting Cheerios in the water?

Perhaps, there is something bigger behind the refusal to put down the seat. Men will  (almost) consistently put the cap on a tube of toothpaste, close a drawer they opened, shut a cabinet door, put the cap back on their deodorant as well as an assortment of other mundane tasks they typically excel at, but not the toilet seat. It is impossible for them to remember to properly set the seat for future use.

So maybe it’s time to look deeper into the men’s psyche to get to the real reason why they refuse to do it. Is it a matter of marking territory, which also includes the floor surrounding the toilet? Is it that during each use of said bowl, they are declaring that this is their zone and it is up to them to decide whether or not their territory should accommodate their mates?

This general territory marking can be seen anytime they have to go whether indoors or out. There is a reason there is a magazine called Field and Stream…because if men find a field they must use their stream to mark it. This doesn’t necessary limit itself to a field, but men can also be found marking their spot in many different locations such as slightly downhill on trail while skiing, on a building outside the bar, in the snow while they create spectacular yellow versions of their name or even in a flower pot leaving your daffodils to wither and die (One of my personal favorites).

So is it wrong for us as women to consistently remind men to put the seat down? Are we trying to stop something nature has deemed as part of the basic existence of being a man? Are we so evil as women to try and change the very nature of the male specimen?! 

Women your answer of course is no.  If you have ever had the delight of plunging that booty that he can’t help but try to pinch, grab and honk on a daily basis into frigid, scummy water …then you know he has to choose...down with the seat or hands off the meat.

Men vs. Boys

Let's talk about boys vs men. Men will approach you and say in a very stern voice, hello, my name is “Your Next Boyfriend”, I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany, may I inquire if I can escort you about town. Ok, maybe, the Anchorman reference doesn't exactly work, but the point is you have a direct approach without any pussy-footin' around. Do not pass a note, phone a friend or use some kind of social media to make it happen, just ask and ask it like you mean it. Now, we know you are nervous and that you may botch it, but go outside first, beat your chest like an ape, pee in some patch of grass, get into a fight with the next guy who talks to you ,whatever it takes to get you confident. Because confidence is a turn on. Remember if you are over the age of 18 you ARE A MAN, we all know you are, so let's see it.

We know that 99% of you are not the suave, confident guy who can ask a girl out without batting an eyelash. It's nerve wracking, terrifying and rejection is the worst, but honestly that is the worst that could happen. Yes, it sucks but there are literally a billion other fish in the sea and they are being caught by fisherman, like yourself, everyday. So why not just go for it with all the gusto.

When a woman is into a guy, she immediately retreats into being a coy and giggly girly girl whether she likes it or not, laugh, touch your arm or twirl her hair (just part of our genetic makeup), whereas men you are genetically made up to be blunt and black-and-white in nature. So you just need to stand up tall, say I am man, you woman, we go now and pull you by the hair into a relationship. So, maybe don't go full on caveman, she may not exactly like the hair pulling, some might, but she may not, but the point is that women want a man, we are not (all) lesbians so quit trying to pick us up by using our own tricks. We know exactly what you are thinking when you do this. We want a little mystery.

Now truth be told, more women are starting to wear the pants when it comes to approaching a guy. I have actually went right up to a guy I didn't know, chatted him up for a few minutes and said “why haven't you asked for my number yet?, I've slipped guys my number on more than one occasion and so on and so forth, because I just couldn't stand waiting around one more minute to secure your number. This is a good thing and yes, I am into you. Obviously. This does not happen all the time, so please men take this as a phenomenon instead of a way out of asking.

Now, when in a relationship, a man can make a woman literally fall in love with you just by sitting there. We don't understand you at all. Nope, not never, you are mind blowingly different creatures. So, just the mystery of you being a man is reason enough. Playing games is immature and once a woman hits her late twenties it makes us run away. In your late twenties and thirties women just want to relax and feel like her man is there for her, supports her and respects her. We have done the games so many times before. True each game a guy plays makes us a little crazy, puts us on the edge of our seat, and at first that can lead to an extra heaping of emotions, but we also start realizing that stress and anxiety are taking over our ability to fall in love with you.

Understandably many men are not aware what they are even doing, but there are even more who get a kick out of driving women crazy because young or dumb girls fall for it. For example, Rihanna, she isn't in love with Chris Brown, she's in love with the drama and anxiety and is severely confusing those feelings for passion. Then again she's too young to realize the difference between lust and love. Stop it girls, anxiety is not love! Love is mutual respect and support.

Women you also have to do something which is quit falling to smithereens when you start dating a guy. Yes, he is soooo cute and soooo wonderful, but treat him as your equal and not your savior. You are smart, intelligent and have made it this far without him. Not to mention, you barely know this person. I know it's hard, but keep up your day job, have a life and for goodness sakes, if he's not treating you as well as you are him address it, chop it off and leave it behind...sorry, just wanted all the men who read this to cringe a little bit at that last line.

So yep...let me know if you agree, disagree. Don't worry I can take it like a man ; )

When didn't we become Disney Princesses?

Ok, so women grew up watching romance in Disney films, but when did we give in and say it was all a myth. In every Disney film you watch the male protagonists try so valiantly to win a “princess”, by every means possible, case-in-point, the poor beggar trying to win a princess in Aladdin, a man fending off a curse to kiss his Sleeping Beauty and the Tramp trying to win over miss Lady, a Park Avenue elitist, but in this day they won't even hand you the remote.

When I was in my early twenties, I got flowers, dinners, and the whole nine-yards when it came to dating, but in my early thirties it's now a quick mac & cheese and an episode of Duck Dynasty. Not that I don't love having a special, meaningful meal made for me or a hilarious episode of Duck Dynasty to watch while cuddling, but I AM NOT MARRIED YET!

I love comedy clubs, shows, movies, dinners, ice skating, volleyball, bowling, reading, skiing, and so on and so forth...(read my match.com profile for a full list of activities). I want to live a little. I have so much time to stay home in my future, that just like a certain Arabian princess, I want someone to “Show Me the (Damn) World”. It's like men in their late twenties are missing a very necessary step, which is called trying to romance a woman.

Currently, as a single woman in my thirties I have succumbed to “wooing” myself and my friends. We dine, we dance, bowl, go to concerts, see movies and shows, rarely does a guy take the effort to ask what we really want to spend our days doing. Our friends all know, so why aren't we letting them know what makes us “ HAPPY.”

I want to see something I haven't seen, experience something I haven't yet and find someone who helps make life insatiable again. I want to travel the world and try new things which I will do with or without a man, but even better would be finding an amazing guy who wants to see it as well. Get off the couch! All I've ever wanted in my life is a journey and someone who wants to come along with me.

Many of my single friends don't want children, and I differ in that respect , so unfortunately mother-time is quickly going to slow down my parade which I will willingly and gladly accept at the time. In the few years before that happens, I want to explore the world, before I explore the second part of my life as a mother, wife and parent.

Somehow single women in their thirties are failing themselves. We are forgetting traditions, aspirations and ourselves by letting men off the hook. We do this by saying that we don't need excitement and fulfillment and by letting ourselves believe that a hand-hold at a McDonalds's drive-thru is as romantic as a night out on the town at your favorite restaurant, that a man handing you a beer is equivalent to champagne and roses, and the worst, that we don't deserve what we want to feel happy. Ladies...it's time to re-up the anti!

Red Lipstick: A Social Experiment

There seems to be a phenomenon that I discovered in a seemingly innocent way,  a halloween costume.  I decided this past Halloween to be a parisian and to match the red scarf and beret I slicked on some bright red lipstick. Little did I know that this lipstick, all waxy and wonderful, would elevate my dating life to such exorbitant extents.

In the past two weeks alone, I have been asked for my number nine times and had two exes trailing me out of the blue, not to mention a stalker calling me at work and a pop in from a guy during Light up Night. I have done nothing to change my approach, always acting slightly aloof because that's just generally how I am and always a little hard to pin down because of my hectic work schedule.  Honestly after the massacre of last years holiday season with the boyfriend who hated holidays, I'm not particularly looking for anything to destroy my Christmas spirit this season, but I guess a few dates won't hurt. ; )

So, is all of this recent attention because of the holiday season approaching and people don't want to be alone crying into their figgy pudding? Or is it merely because I changed the natural hue of my lips to something of more seductive properties? I have researched several articles in regards to this matter. According to LiveScience, a behavioral study done in France found that waitresses wearing red lipstick got higher amounts of tips when donning the crimson shade. So, maybe I'm not crazy for thinking that this little tinted tube has magical powers.

Red is known to be a color of love and passion, so is this simply making me look like i'm throwing my sexuality down a man's throat? Or is it merely as provocative as a slightly shorter hemline or a peak of cleavage or a pair of leg eating boots? Putting this theory to the test, I have sent a test subject out into the night wearing the dubious red lipstick with confirming results. She claimed wearing the red lipstick worked (exclamation point!) and she reportedly "hypnotized" her ex by wearing the sultry shade.

At ManchesterUniversity, a study tracking eye movements and their role in attraction found that men stared at women with pink lips only 6.7 seconds as opposed to the 7.3 seconds of oogling at women in red lipstick.  So perhaps through wearing my red lipstick, I have finally maximized my pout attraction.

This isn't the first time this phenomenon has occurred. Back in the early 2000's during my Britney phase I had a pink hat and oh, what a wonderful pink hat that was! My friends would grimace each time I wore it because like the red lips it grabbed attention. I could have been picking my nose or my friends nose and guys would still approach me, but that is a study for another day.

At the end of the day, I find my red lipstick fun as well as  empowering! So, I suggest to all ladies out there to give it a try and let me know how it goes. The color can be a little overwhelming at first, but once you accept it looks classic and not clownish you can begin to have a little fun with it.

As for the keepers of my cell phone number, they have easily self-eliminated themselves and I now have complete faith that this will continue to happen till there is one man left standing. I wish I had a buzzer for weeks like this. You live at home with your mom and don't have a job.....BUZZZ. You don't call after saying let's meet up BUZZZZZ. You have bad breath BUZZZZZ..  You are a complete WHACK JOB! BUZZZZZZZZZ





Red Lipstick
http://www.thenews.com.pk/latest-news/5841.htm


Red Lipstick in Science!
http://www.livescience.com/20243-waitress-tips-red-lipstick.html