In Love and Farting

In Love and Farting*

Farting is such sweet Sorrow, Can I Run till it is 'Morrow...

Ok, so we’ve all done it, that moment when it happens. A moment you wish you could die in a gas chamber, which would be so suiting to your complete and utter embarrassment.  It’s the first time a woman …gasp….farts…in front of her guy. 

Back in college, in fits of giggles, we referred to it as a “Poof” because it is much more lady-like then the word “fart”. Sound out the word fart slowly “fart” actually sounds like a fart. Poof sounds much more like the sound of fanny glitter and unicorns. Oh I Poofed! And completely disappeared in shame.

Whether you cute it up or not, that first terrible toot always happens at the most inopportune time. Say it’s when you are jumping up in his truck and as you crouch and lunge forward a little 4x4 fart jumps out. Or when you are just relaxing on the couch watching a movie, your stomach has been rumbling for hours, and you think you can hold it till the end of the movie, when the tiniest reach for popcorn turns into complete mortification. If only you hadn’t indulged in those last perfectly popped kernels!

Speaking of food, I don’t understand why women always think going out to dinner when you are first dating is a good idea.  Food, especially food from restaurants (ie added MSG), has a tendency to leave you in a precarious post-dinner situation.  This is especially true when you opt for dark leafy salads, the vegetable medley or any spinach product, which contain tons of fiber, which your grandpa takes to keep himself…ahem... regular.  You get the point, dinner should only be used for dates you want to cut short. “I’m sorry, I really had fun, however my gastrointestinal system has to be home by ten.” Or "It isn’t you…it’s my digestive tract."

So, when you let your little sparkly fart fairy escape, there are two immediate responses.  The first is letting a high-pitched nervous laugh go to seem laid back about it (you will never actually seem calm about it, but laughing is better then not laughing), or completely ignore it. This method is particularly good in the morning when your own fart actually wakes you up. If he didn’t notice you were awake at the moment your bum blurted out your musty morning whisper then keep those eyes shut for indeterminate amount of time. Also, don’t forget to rustle around in the bed a bit so the crunch in your comforter can take all the blame. Your reputation can’t be tarnished for something that happened in your "sleep" right? 

What not to do. If it is obvious that you farted, sorry “poofed”, the worst thing you can do is show that you are completely embarrassed by your snafu and hide in a closet,  a bathroom or cry and have a complete meltdown. Let him at least know you can laugh at yourself even in the most humiliating of situations.  My advice to you is Poof proud ladies. It may be embarrassing, but if he’s the one he won’t run! 

*Disclaimer: I have never farted in my entire life. This is blog is completely dedicated to women in peril looking for my advice. 

**If you have a funny girlfriend/boyfriend fart story please share it with us all in the comments below.