In Love and Farting

In Love and Farting*

Farting is such sweet Sorrow, Can I Run till it is 'Morrow...

Ok, so we’ve all done it, that moment when it happens. A moment you wish you could die in a gas chamber, which would be so suiting to your complete and utter embarrassment.  It’s the first time a woman …gasp….farts…in front of her guy. 

Back in college, in fits of giggles, we referred to it as a “Poof” because it is much more lady-like then the word “fart”. Sound out the word fart slowly “fart” actually sounds like a fart. Poof sounds much more like the sound of fanny glitter and unicorns. Oh I Poofed! And completely disappeared in shame.

Whether you cute it up or not, that first terrible toot always happens at the most inopportune time. Say it’s when you are jumping up in his truck and as you crouch and lunge forward a little 4x4 fart jumps out. Or when you are just relaxing on the couch watching a movie, your stomach has been rumbling for hours, and you think you can hold it till the end of the movie, when the tiniest reach for popcorn turns into complete mortification. If only you hadn’t indulged in those last perfectly popped kernels!

Speaking of food, I don’t understand why women always think going out to dinner when you are first dating is a good idea.  Food, especially food from restaurants (ie added MSG), has a tendency to leave you in a precarious post-dinner situation.  This is especially true when you opt for dark leafy salads, the vegetable medley or any spinach product, which contain tons of fiber, which your grandpa takes to keep himself…ahem... regular.  You get the point, dinner should only be used for dates you want to cut short. “I’m sorry, I really had fun, however my gastrointestinal system has to be home by ten.” Or "It isn’t you…it’s my digestive tract."

So, when you let your little sparkly fart fairy escape, there are two immediate responses.  The first is letting a high-pitched nervous laugh go to seem laid back about it (you will never actually seem calm about it, but laughing is better then not laughing), or completely ignore it. This method is particularly good in the morning when your own fart actually wakes you up. If he didn’t notice you were awake at the moment your bum blurted out your musty morning whisper then keep those eyes shut for indeterminate amount of time. Also, don’t forget to rustle around in the bed a bit so the crunch in your comforter can take all the blame. Your reputation can’t be tarnished for something that happened in your "sleep" right? 

What not to do. If it is obvious that you farted, sorry “poofed”, the worst thing you can do is show that you are completely embarrassed by your snafu and hide in a closet,  a bathroom or cry and have a complete meltdown. Let him at least know you can laugh at yourself even in the most humiliating of situations.  My advice to you is Poof proud ladies. It may be embarrassing, but if he’s the one he won’t run! 

*Disclaimer: I have never farted in my entire life. This is blog is completely dedicated to women in peril looking for my advice. 

**If you have a funny girlfriend/boyfriend fart story please share it with us all in the comments below.

Valentine's Day Guide to Free Gifts for Your Guy

Valentine's Day Gift Guide and It's not What you Think:

Remember when you first started dating and you were all gushy and happy and he was all gushy and happy and now you are just going through the daily grind together, well it's time to give him the gift he really wants! Your undivided attention and affection. Now gentlemen this works both ways so please use these sweet gestures towards your woman as well. 

Photo by Florin Garoi

1. Lend Him Your Ears! 

Ok, as women we love to talk and we love to talk about ourselves. It's not our fault! We were bred to gab!  Omg shoes, omg that ignorant woman, omg my mother, OMG! I got poop on my shoes, omg important story that he isn't listening to about the significance of saving the whales, not that I will actually be proactive toward the cause anyways because I'm too busy or will move on to another topic in a day, omg….omg…  Well when you first met him you thought he was so smart and so interesting because you actually listened to what he had to say.  For one whole day, stop talking about yourself or your topics and listen to him, don't interject your opinion, don't phase out when he drones on about sports, gadgets or budget deficits (but if you do and we know you will try to phase back in gracefully without him knowing). 

2. Make him Feel like the King of his own Domain.  Whether it's telling him he is the most masculine hunk of grass-fed, organic beef you have ever seen, laughing at all his jokes (even if they aren't funny, even if you snort) or you can compliment him on how hard his job must be and that he is the smartest guy to ever work there, whatever compliment you feel like he deserves, give it to him and lay it on thick like a nice piece of black labeled bacon. Everyone loves a compliment and if you give a great one it could make his whole day. You did it when you were dating, why not now? 

3. Don't "have a headache" for a whole week. The bitter cold weather, the drudgery of work, endless shopping, cleaning and chores, the baby, the mother-in-law, even your own mother can all play a part in the creation of the infamous anti-intimacy "headache". So instead of crawling back into your comforter cocoon, why don't you steam press those sheets with some loving affection. It may seem like a lot of effort at the moment, but a little intimacy goes a long way and on average doesn't last as long as two commercial breaks that you endured during your favorite TV program. Plus it releases happiness endorphins so maybe you will wake up the next morning with a smile instead of that ever-present scowl at sunrise.

4. Stroll down memory lane. Pull out that old box of pictures or in this day in age, pull up that archived image gallery and glance through pictures that you have taken together before he got bald and you got fat, when you two happy healthy kids in love and talk about the memories that you had made. If you have a wedding DVD pop it in your player and swim through the warm bubble bath of emotions you created that day. Take the time to remember when you first fell in love.

Photo by Mike Lawrey

5.  Reconnect by Unconnecting.  Snuggle with him. Hug Him. Gaze into his eyes. Hold Hands. Turn off the TV your phone and the iPad and all of your gadgets and seriously just let you both be with each other. Yes, we know he may resist, so take it slowly. He's going to be like a baby fighting off a swaddling blanket at first, just keep patience and keep going till he's putty in your arms. Plug into one another (in more ways then one). 



So, the important thing is not to tell him you are actually giving him this gift. It is a gift! You do not need praise or approval for doing it, which is ultimately what you are doing should you choose to tell him that you have read this. So, let's just keep this article a sexy little secret between you and I. Have a great Valentine's Day! And don't forget to share/post this article on your social media pages!