In Love and Farting

In Love and Farting*

Farting is such sweet Sorrow, Can I Run till it is 'Morrow...

Ok, so we’ve all done it, that moment when it happens. A moment you wish you could die in a gas chamber, which would be so suiting to your complete and utter embarrassment.  It’s the first time a woman …gasp….farts…in front of her guy. 

Back in college, in fits of giggles, we referred to it as a “Poof” because it is much more lady-like then the word “fart”. Sound out the word fart slowly “fart” actually sounds like a fart. Poof sounds much more like the sound of fanny glitter and unicorns. Oh I Poofed! And completely disappeared in shame.

Whether you cute it up or not, that first terrible toot always happens at the most inopportune time. Say it’s when you are jumping up in his truck and as you crouch and lunge forward a little 4x4 fart jumps out. Or when you are just relaxing on the couch watching a movie, your stomach has been rumbling for hours, and you think you can hold it till the end of the movie, when the tiniest reach for popcorn turns into complete mortification. If only you hadn’t indulged in those last perfectly popped kernels!

Speaking of food, I don’t understand why women always think going out to dinner when you are first dating is a good idea.  Food, especially food from restaurants (ie added MSG), has a tendency to leave you in a precarious post-dinner situation.  This is especially true when you opt for dark leafy salads, the vegetable medley or any spinach product, which contain tons of fiber, which your grandpa takes to keep himself…ahem... regular.  You get the point, dinner should only be used for dates you want to cut short. “I’m sorry, I really had fun, however my gastrointestinal system has to be home by ten.” Or "It isn’t you…it’s my digestive tract."

So, when you let your little sparkly fart fairy escape, there are two immediate responses.  The first is letting a high-pitched nervous laugh go to seem laid back about it (you will never actually seem calm about it, but laughing is better then not laughing), or completely ignore it. This method is particularly good in the morning when your own fart actually wakes you up. If he didn’t notice you were awake at the moment your bum blurted out your musty morning whisper then keep those eyes shut for indeterminate amount of time. Also, don’t forget to rustle around in the bed a bit so the crunch in your comforter can take all the blame. Your reputation can’t be tarnished for something that happened in your "sleep" right? 

What not to do. If it is obvious that you farted, sorry “poofed”, the worst thing you can do is show that you are completely embarrassed by your snafu and hide in a closet,  a bathroom or cry and have a complete meltdown. Let him at least know you can laugh at yourself even in the most humiliating of situations.  My advice to you is Poof proud ladies. It may be embarrassing, but if he’s the one he won’t run! 

*Disclaimer: I have never farted in my entire life. This is blog is completely dedicated to women in peril looking for my advice. 

**If you have a funny girlfriend/boyfriend fart story please share it with us all in the comments below.

Valentine's Day Guide to Free Gifts for Your Guy

Valentine's Day Gift Guide and It's not What you Think:

Remember when you first started dating and you were all gushy and happy and he was all gushy and happy and now you are just going through the daily grind together, well it's time to give him the gift he really wants! Your undivided attention and affection. Now gentlemen this works both ways so please use these sweet gestures towards your woman as well. 

Photo by Florin Garoi

1. Lend Him Your Ears! 

Ok, as women we love to talk and we love to talk about ourselves. It's not our fault! We were bred to gab!  Omg shoes, omg that ignorant woman, omg my mother, OMG! I got poop on my shoes, omg important story that he isn't listening to about the significance of saving the whales, not that I will actually be proactive toward the cause anyways because I'm too busy or will move on to another topic in a day, omg….omg…  Well when you first met him you thought he was so smart and so interesting because you actually listened to what he had to say.  For one whole day, stop talking about yourself or your topics and listen to him, don't interject your opinion, don't phase out when he drones on about sports, gadgets or budget deficits (but if you do and we know you will try to phase back in gracefully without him knowing). 

2. Make him Feel like the King of his own Domain.  Whether it's telling him he is the most masculine hunk of grass-fed, organic beef you have ever seen, laughing at all his jokes (even if they aren't funny, even if you snort) or you can compliment him on how hard his job must be and that he is the smartest guy to ever work there, whatever compliment you feel like he deserves, give it to him and lay it on thick like a nice piece of black labeled bacon. Everyone loves a compliment and if you give a great one it could make his whole day. You did it when you were dating, why not now? 

3. Don't "have a headache" for a whole week. The bitter cold weather, the drudgery of work, endless shopping, cleaning and chores, the baby, the mother-in-law, even your own mother can all play a part in the creation of the infamous anti-intimacy "headache". So instead of crawling back into your comforter cocoon, why don't you steam press those sheets with some loving affection. It may seem like a lot of effort at the moment, but a little intimacy goes a long way and on average doesn't last as long as two commercial breaks that you endured during your favorite TV program. Plus it releases happiness endorphins so maybe you will wake up the next morning with a smile instead of that ever-present scowl at sunrise.

4. Stroll down memory lane. Pull out that old box of pictures or in this day in age, pull up that archived image gallery and glance through pictures that you have taken together before he got bald and you got fat, when you two happy healthy kids in love and talk about the memories that you had made. If you have a wedding DVD pop it in your player and swim through the warm bubble bath of emotions you created that day. Take the time to remember when you first fell in love.

Photo by Mike Lawrey

5.  Reconnect by Unconnecting.  Snuggle with him. Hug Him. Gaze into his eyes. Hold Hands. Turn off the TV your phone and the iPad and all of your gadgets and seriously just let you both be with each other. Yes, we know he may resist, so take it slowly. He's going to be like a baby fighting off a swaddling blanket at first, just keep patience and keep going till he's putty in your arms. Plug into one another (in more ways then one). 



So, the important thing is not to tell him you are actually giving him this gift. It is a gift! You do not need praise or approval for doing it, which is ultimately what you are doing should you choose to tell him that you have read this. So, let's just keep this article a sexy little secret between you and I. Have a great Valentine's Day! And don't forget to share/post this article on your social media pages!

What goes up must come down. Unless it’s a toilet Seat.

What goes up must come down. Unless it's a toilet seat.

We’ve all been there as a woman. You run in the door and straight into the bathroom because you gotta go, when splash, your derriere gets thrust into frigid cold water. That’s right… he left the toilet seat up again.

The premise is easy, lift and go and then return to the starting position. Now many men will argue that putting the seat down is as much a woman’s job as a mans, but seriously guys your stream is like two centimeters wide and the circumference of  a toilet seat is around 8 inches wide.  How is it our fault that you are too lazy to aim and must put the seat up to the expand the width to 12 inches across. I mean do we have to resort back to putting Cheerios in the water?

Perhaps, there is something bigger behind the refusal to put down the seat. Men will  (almost) consistently put the cap on a tube of toothpaste, close a drawer they opened, shut a cabinet door, put the cap back on their deodorant as well as an assortment of other mundane tasks they typically excel at, but not the toilet seat. It is impossible for them to remember to properly set the seat for future use.

So maybe it’s time to look deeper into the men’s psyche to get to the real reason why they refuse to do it. Is it a matter of marking territory, which also includes the floor surrounding the toilet? Is it that during each use of said bowl, they are declaring that this is their zone and it is up to them to decide whether or not their territory should accommodate their mates?

This general territory marking can be seen anytime they have to go whether indoors or out. There is a reason there is a magazine called Field and Stream…because if men find a field they must use their stream to mark it. This doesn’t necessary limit itself to a field, but men can also be found marking their spot in many different locations such as slightly downhill on trail while skiing, on a building outside the bar, in the snow while they create spectacular yellow versions of their name or even in a flower pot leaving your daffodils to wither and die (One of my personal favorites).

So is it wrong for us as women to consistently remind men to put the seat down? Are we trying to stop something nature has deemed as part of the basic existence of being a man? Are we so evil as women to try and change the very nature of the male specimen?! 

Women your answer of course is no.  If you have ever had the delight of plunging that booty that he can’t help but try to pinch, grab and honk on a daily basis into frigid, scummy water …then you know he has to choose...down with the seat or hands off the meat.

Men vs. Boys

Let's talk about boys vs men. Men will approach you and say in a very stern voice, hello, my name is “Your Next Boyfriend”, I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany, may I inquire if I can escort you about town. Ok, maybe, the Anchorman reference doesn't exactly work, but the point is you have a direct approach without any pussy-footin' around. Do not pass a note, phone a friend or use some kind of social media to make it happen, just ask and ask it like you mean it. Now, we know you are nervous and that you may botch it, but go outside first, beat your chest like an ape, pee in some patch of grass, get into a fight with the next guy who talks to you ,whatever it takes to get you confident. Because confidence is a turn on. Remember if you are over the age of 18 you ARE A MAN, we all know you are, so let's see it.

We know that 99% of you are not the suave, confident guy who can ask a girl out without batting an eyelash. It's nerve wracking, terrifying and rejection is the worst, but honestly that is the worst that could happen. Yes, it sucks but there are literally a billion other fish in the sea and they are being caught by fisherman, like yourself, everyday. So why not just go for it with all the gusto.

When a woman is into a guy, she immediately retreats into being a coy and giggly girly girl whether she likes it or not, laugh, touch your arm or twirl her hair (just part of our genetic makeup), whereas men you are genetically made up to be blunt and black-and-white in nature. So you just need to stand up tall, say I am man, you woman, we go now and pull you by the hair into a relationship. So, maybe don't go full on caveman, she may not exactly like the hair pulling, some might, but she may not, but the point is that women want a man, we are not (all) lesbians so quit trying to pick us up by using our own tricks. We know exactly what you are thinking when you do this. We want a little mystery.

Now truth be told, more women are starting to wear the pants when it comes to approaching a guy. I have actually went right up to a guy I didn't know, chatted him up for a few minutes and said “why haven't you asked for my number yet?, I've slipped guys my number on more than one occasion and so on and so forth, because I just couldn't stand waiting around one more minute to secure your number. This is a good thing and yes, I am into you. Obviously. This does not happen all the time, so please men take this as a phenomenon instead of a way out of asking.

Now, when in a relationship, a man can make a woman literally fall in love with you just by sitting there. We don't understand you at all. Nope, not never, you are mind blowingly different creatures. So, just the mystery of you being a man is reason enough. Playing games is immature and once a woman hits her late twenties it makes us run away. In your late twenties and thirties women just want to relax and feel like her man is there for her, supports her and respects her. We have done the games so many times before. True each game a guy plays makes us a little crazy, puts us on the edge of our seat, and at first that can lead to an extra heaping of emotions, but we also start realizing that stress and anxiety are taking over our ability to fall in love with you.

Understandably many men are not aware what they are even doing, but there are even more who get a kick out of driving women crazy because young or dumb girls fall for it. For example, Rihanna, she isn't in love with Chris Brown, she's in love with the drama and anxiety and is severely confusing those feelings for passion. Then again she's too young to realize the difference between lust and love. Stop it girls, anxiety is not love! Love is mutual respect and support.

Women you also have to do something which is quit falling to smithereens when you start dating a guy. Yes, he is soooo cute and soooo wonderful, but treat him as your equal and not your savior. You are smart, intelligent and have made it this far without him. Not to mention, you barely know this person. I know it's hard, but keep up your day job, have a life and for goodness sakes, if he's not treating you as well as you are him address it, chop it off and leave it behind...sorry, just wanted all the men who read this to cringe a little bit at that last line.

So yep...let me know if you agree, disagree. Don't worry I can take it like a man ; )

When didn't we become Disney Princesses?

Ok, so women grew up watching romance in Disney films, but when did we give in and say it was all a myth. In every Disney film you watch the male protagonists try so valiantly to win a “princess”, by every means possible, case-in-point, the poor beggar trying to win a princess in Aladdin, a man fending off a curse to kiss his Sleeping Beauty and the Tramp trying to win over miss Lady, a Park Avenue elitist, but in this day they won't even hand you the remote.

When I was in my early twenties, I got flowers, dinners, and the whole nine-yards when it came to dating, but in my early thirties it's now a quick mac & cheese and an episode of Duck Dynasty. Not that I don't love having a special, meaningful meal made for me or a hilarious episode of Duck Dynasty to watch while cuddling, but I AM NOT MARRIED YET!

I love comedy clubs, shows, movies, dinners, ice skating, volleyball, bowling, reading, skiing, and so on and so forth...(read my match.com profile for a full list of activities). I want to live a little. I have so much time to stay home in my future, that just like a certain Arabian princess, I want someone to “Show Me the (Damn) World”. It's like men in their late twenties are missing a very necessary step, which is called trying to romance a woman.

Currently, as a single woman in my thirties I have succumbed to “wooing” myself and my friends. We dine, we dance, bowl, go to concerts, see movies and shows, rarely does a guy take the effort to ask what we really want to spend our days doing. Our friends all know, so why aren't we letting them know what makes us “ HAPPY.”

I want to see something I haven't seen, experience something I haven't yet and find someone who helps make life insatiable again. I want to travel the world and try new things which I will do with or without a man, but even better would be finding an amazing guy who wants to see it as well. Get off the couch! All I've ever wanted in my life is a journey and someone who wants to come along with me.

Many of my single friends don't want children, and I differ in that respect , so unfortunately mother-time is quickly going to slow down my parade which I will willingly and gladly accept at the time. In the few years before that happens, I want to explore the world, before I explore the second part of my life as a mother, wife and parent.

Somehow single women in their thirties are failing themselves. We are forgetting traditions, aspirations and ourselves by letting men off the hook. We do this by saying that we don't need excitement and fulfillment and by letting ourselves believe that a hand-hold at a McDonalds's drive-thru is as romantic as a night out on the town at your favorite restaurant, that a man handing you a beer is equivalent to champagne and roses, and the worst, that we don't deserve what we want to feel happy. Ladies...it's time to re-up the anti!

Red Lipstick: A Social Experiment

There seems to be a phenomenon that I discovered in a seemingly innocent way,  a halloween costume.  I decided this past Halloween to be a parisian and to match the red scarf and beret I slicked on some bright red lipstick. Little did I know that this lipstick, all waxy and wonderful, would elevate my dating life to such exorbitant extents.

In the past two weeks alone, I have been asked for my number nine times and had two exes trailing me out of the blue, not to mention a stalker calling me at work and a pop in from a guy during Light up Night. I have done nothing to change my approach, always acting slightly aloof because that's just generally how I am and always a little hard to pin down because of my hectic work schedule.  Honestly after the massacre of last years holiday season with the boyfriend who hated holidays, I'm not particularly looking for anything to destroy my Christmas spirit this season, but I guess a few dates won't hurt. ; )

So, is all of this recent attention because of the holiday season approaching and people don't want to be alone crying into their figgy pudding? Or is it merely because I changed the natural hue of my lips to something of more seductive properties? I have researched several articles in regards to this matter. According to LiveScience, a behavioral study done in France found that waitresses wearing red lipstick got higher amounts of tips when donning the crimson shade. So, maybe I'm not crazy for thinking that this little tinted tube has magical powers.

Red is known to be a color of love and passion, so is this simply making me look like i'm throwing my sexuality down a man's throat? Or is it merely as provocative as a slightly shorter hemline or a peak of cleavage or a pair of leg eating boots? Putting this theory to the test, I have sent a test subject out into the night wearing the dubious red lipstick with confirming results. She claimed wearing the red lipstick worked (exclamation point!) and she reportedly "hypnotized" her ex by wearing the sultry shade.

At ManchesterUniversity, a study tracking eye movements and their role in attraction found that men stared at women with pink lips only 6.7 seconds as opposed to the 7.3 seconds of oogling at women in red lipstick.  So perhaps through wearing my red lipstick, I have finally maximized my pout attraction.

This isn't the first time this phenomenon has occurred. Back in the early 2000's during my Britney phase I had a pink hat and oh, what a wonderful pink hat that was! My friends would grimace each time I wore it because like the red lips it grabbed attention. I could have been picking my nose or my friends nose and guys would still approach me, but that is a study for another day.

At the end of the day, I find my red lipstick fun as well as  empowering! So, I suggest to all ladies out there to give it a try and let me know how it goes. The color can be a little overwhelming at first, but once you accept it looks classic and not clownish you can begin to have a little fun with it.

As for the keepers of my cell phone number, they have easily self-eliminated themselves and I now have complete faith that this will continue to happen till there is one man left standing. I wish I had a buzzer for weeks like this. You live at home with your mom and don't have a job.....BUZZZ. You don't call after saying let's meet up BUZZZZZ. You have bad breath BUZZZZZ..  You are a complete WHACK JOB! BUZZZZZZZZZ





Red Lipstick
http://www.thenews.com.pk/latest-news/5841.htm


Red Lipstick in Science!
http://www.livescience.com/20243-waitress-tips-red-lipstick.html

You're So Much Cuter When You Don't Speak

Part One: The System

So, my adventure in Match world continues. In the past two weeks I have received 89 emails, 377 clicked that they are interested and 102 winks, but I can't seem to find that guy. lol. So, much like in the real world, I make it a point not to make the first move. So no winks or emails are sent from me. I do partake in the "interested" daily line up because it reminds me of the show singled out.  So, I am usually in the driver seat when it comes to choosing my "suitors".

Email reading for me is determined based on my primal urges. Yep, I judge your looks first. Sorry, it's true. You could probably write me the most clever, witty and romantic email I have ever received and unfortunately I didn't read it because I couldn't get past your first profile pic.

When you get that many emails, winks and interested gentleman clogging up your inbox you have to start a process of elimination. Terrifying duck-faced ginger. No bueno! There is no way I am going to read the email of a guy who makes more duck faces in his photos then a group of sorority girls at a frat party. Not saying I only look for uber attractive guys, in fact, the perfect looking guys scare me, but looks are just the first step in the lengthy process of writing back.

The second step is reading their qualifications. Ok, so it sounds like a job interview, but you wouldn't put yourself out there to meet an employer you dedicate your life to looking dowdy and give a resume with McDonald's as your only job reference. You make it and yourself look employable, or in this case dateable. So all of all of the following apply: The nice guy, the goofball, the rich guy, the sporty guy, the loveable guy.

So, I go down the list. Here for : Dating, Relationship, Friendship, whatever the other ones are. I usually skip the "daters". I mean, if i'm paying to be on here I don't want someone for dating..aka...casual sex. I can find that asshole in any bar. So, I typically look for people who are looking for something a little more meaningful. Not saying that sparks will fly and we will be toasting over walnuts during the holidays, but at least someone who has the right intentions.

Next, I go through his physical attributes. How tall. Sorry, small guys. Not my type, but I have a friend who likes your height a lot. Physically, not too big, but average, slender, muscular ect...Ok, this is where match kind of fails. We are too quick to judge based on looks, but don't you do that anyway? I mean at least until you actually have a conversation with someone. First impressions people.

I like to hit up the pictures for a bit. Is it too quintessential? Guy with sports, guy with family, guy with dog, guy with kids, guy doing something silly. Yes, that is the regular lineup. I just like to see one clear face shot, so I know what I'm dealing with.

Then I head to their work. Pretty much all flies here. A guy who has passion for his career is really all i'm looking for. Ok and the salary above 50,000. JK. Unless he does construction...is extremely hot or is a personal trainer or masseuse. It has to even out.

Kids. I usually like to see a "Definitely" marked, but I still will dabble with the "Someday" remark unless of course you are 39 and never been married and "Someday" want kids. Red Flag for commitment phobes. Really, your swimmers will need floaties by the time you decide what you want.

Exercise...ok every guy and girl writes 3-4 times a week or more. I wrote it as well and I have exercised 1 day this week. Close enough. Ok, I may even be lying about that just to give myself the credit of wanting to workout this week. Isn't baking cookies a workout? That dough was tough!

So, if he made it past the gauntlet, then comes the fun part. I will actually read and respond to your email. Well, if there isn't too many typos and spelling errors. I hate a guy with really poor spelling. Hello, I was an English major. I can't help myself. Slap that email into Microsoft word if you have to and use a spell check. (this does not apply to me in return, I can't put a comma on a page).

Part Two: Implementing the System

Now, this past Monday, a guy made it through my checklist, doesn't happen often. Although I made an exception for the Divorced status and his two kids "who occasionally live at home", I love kids, a divorce could be for any reason and plus he was, of course, pretty cute.

So, upon my response he quickly wrote back and we continued this banter for the majority of the day. Now, day one is information day. Tell me about you and please try to do it in a witty banter so I think you are smart and funny and keep my interests up.

All day we wrote back and forth until he got bored with accessing the app and asked if he could text. So, then a texting conversation began. Text ...text..text.. Wanna grab coffee....text...text...text. Ok, I do have a life and was mildly annoyed that I couldn't go twenty minutes all day without having to drop everything to text. Then around ten he asked if he could call. I said he could call a little later.

Ring Ring... I'm not sure what happened, but this conversation was probably one of the worst conversation of my entire existence. I'm not positive, but i'm pretty sure he was sooo drunk that he was slurring his words. I mean totally shitbombed. I would ask him a basic question and he would go silent and then slur a question right back at me totally ignoring mine. I felt like I was talking to a muppet with a styrafoam muffled mouth whose puppeteer took a downer and then drank whiskey while tripping on shrooms. This continued about five minutes until I just said I had to go and hung up astonished by what had just taken place.

So, at the end of the day, I spent hours emailing and texting all to get some crazy person on the other side of the phone. Needless to say, my Java will be made in the comfort of my own house for the rest of the week. In the end of it and despite my tedious match selection process, match.com failed me. But then again if I was at the bar and spent the night talking to some guy he would end up in the same sloppy way, but at least I would have seen it coming.  It's a lose lose situation. Until next time.